Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
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