Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
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We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
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I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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