My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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