yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
