Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
