omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
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