my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
