Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
