I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
