apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
We need a shit load of segways right now
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
