somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
