im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
