Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
