I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
