if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
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May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
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He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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