At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just pee around me
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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