this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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