3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
