I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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