If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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