The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
