We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
