i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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