Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
