Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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