I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
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