DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
