Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
