Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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