Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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