I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize
