eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
