I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
