I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
