She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
