I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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