I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We don't watch enough power rangers
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
