So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
there is puke in my bra ... again
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