i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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