never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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