I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
