a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
