I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
