I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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