I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i think i have two assholes
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
