the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
not ubering you a puppy
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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