i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
