Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
