You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
