I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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