She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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