The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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