in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
