I'm drive I can fine osifer
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
