In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
