I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
