then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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