oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You can't special order awesome
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
