You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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