hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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