Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
