I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I skipped work to stalk him.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
