wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
And then he peed in my hair
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