I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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