So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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